My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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