Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
