I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
