Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
