i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
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You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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