When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
