someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
