My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
