the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I need moral support for this bender
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
