I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
