twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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