i think my mom watched the whole time
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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