My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
