What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
