dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
