I could have mohawked her pubes.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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