in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club