don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads