Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?