Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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