wrigley field is MILF paradise
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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