Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
