My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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