i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
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I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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