I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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