I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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