she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
