watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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