I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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