party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
