If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
