My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
