can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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