apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
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We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
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Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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