You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
