her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
