Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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