I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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