I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
