He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
