I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
