He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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