Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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