its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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