I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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