I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
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My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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