She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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