Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
