My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
