Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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