i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
