I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
ugly people sure do ruin things
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
