This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??