its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
