And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
