he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
