apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
