I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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