Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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