I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Say something about gay babies.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out