I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
