the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
