i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
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You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
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We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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